Day 222 (2021)

The concept came from my own experiences. Due to Melbourne Lockdown, I had a great deal of time left to my own devices and it resulted in a lot of introspection. Lockdown, as well as moving interstate, and being surrounded by different people resulted in me changing in ways other than what I’d expected. The majority of these changes were positive, I found myself becoming more extroverted, self-assured, and optimistic. Whilst these changes were undoubtedly positive, it was strange for me to associate these qualities with myself as for a large part of my adolescent years I’d been the opposite. In the circles I’d spent my teenage years in, there was a morbid kind of pride in being unwell. Websites like Tumblr looked down on people who viewed the world positively. Being young and easily influenced, I’d find myself mimicking these thought patterns. Reflecting on this I thought it was strange how I’d wanted to grow up and move out so badly but never considered what kind of changes I’d have to undergo to make this possible. The changes weren’t all so positive, I’d also disconnected from friends due to our views of the world becoming different. These weren’t political views but more so how we approached every day. My choice to be positive and walk away from things that hurt me did not mix well with friends who’d previously seen me act otherwise. Despite me knowing that us going our separate ways would be for the best, this loss hurt nonetheless. 

After one argument, I’d written this in my phone notes. (I’m evidently not a poet, just a Pisces.)

I’d often thought about how my two selves would react if they met each other. If I could go back in time and talk with 5-year-old me, 12-year-old me, 16-year-old me, would he like me or would he hate me? Would we find comfort in talking to each other or would he be scared of me? Could we be friends? Whilst this thought pattern is not entirely a trans one, I do think it’s heightened by my perspective as a trans person. This disconnect from your younger self is one I’ve spoken with other trans people about. Reflecting on all of this, I began to wonder how I could portray this idea on screen. I decided on working with the idea of the self before and after lockdown.

My intentions for this short film were to capture these feelings of disconnect between ideas of the self. To depict how inner change can be freeing but can also result in a sense of grief. I want to capture the bittersweet feeling of finding a diary entry you’d written years ago, knowing that none of the things you wrote about mattered all that much.